Patricia Danielle

im on here to remind myself that i am alive. i know that when i look back on this blog in years to come, i will wonder what i was doing during all the huge blocks of days when i didnt post, and ill wonder where i was and what i was doing. it just so happens that when i have nothing going on, and lots of free time, i post all the time, however, when there is loads and loads going on, i dont even have one second during the day to get on here. really, during the busy crazy times i should be posting.

pretty much everything is different than that last time i updated this to refelct life at the current moment. i have a new job, a new place to live, in a new city, and a new boyfriend. things are just really different. all at once. but things are fantastic. i feed off of energy and pressure to complete as many things possible in as little amount of time possible. right now, im in the height of that. ive been working evtra hours each day and still have loads left to do the moment I walk in each morning. i have 7 new staff members, all of whom im am learning more and more about. oh, and i have a new boss. with whom i work closely.

im working  in pasadena and ontario. about an hour commute between the two, during which i am usually on the phone the whole way, working.

gina, one of my very best friends, got married in italy last month. my parents celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary last month. my brothers wife had baby landon last month. grandma turned 76 last month. brian and i decided to be a couple last month. i spent a week in italy last month.

on the flip side of everything being just as i want it, because we all know i like my life to be intense, i find it amazing that god’s love for me endures. his mercy is new every morning. he knows exactly where i am in every aspect of my life. he knows the timeline. he knows my choices and my indecisiveness. he knows my heart. its so easy to live life knowing this. through faith in him who is able to do above all that i can think or ask. his love is amazing to me. and i am so thankful for him and for knowing him. and for the security i know in him.

whats more….im so thankful to experience him in my new relationship with brian. i love brians heart for the creator. i love his willingness to learn and to ask. i love that hs is open for god to talk to him through so many different things and people. i love that brian has been able to see god work in so many things in his life and in mine through the last four months. its a real testament that his word is true, as he assures us that those who seel him will find him. i love that me and my parents and shannon and caroline and jeff have all been used as channels for brian’s seeking.

“thank you god for your love. thank you for your son. thank you for the peace and joy that i live in each day because you are my savior and my friend. help me to love more and forgive easily. you are all that i need. thank you for placing people in my life whom i can love and who love me. i love you.”

steven lasted for 2 months. when i think back to it, it was 1 month and 24 days TOO LONG. i hope he never sees this, though, maybe he would like some closure. im sure he would LOVE to talk about what happened. love to talk all about why the last time he saw me it was the back of me leaving his condo without saying goodbye. not even a ’see you later’ or a ‘have a nice life’. just the back of me walking away as quickly and assuridly as possible.

amy introduced us when he picked me up for our double date with her and my brother. we were in pasadena. things were fine….though i thought he looked much older than me (he was actually younger). there was a lot of talking between all four of us, but not much between he and i until we were outside on the curb waiting at a red light. it was then that i mentioned that im a conservative republican, and he smiled at the similarity.

we spent the next month going to a bunch of brithday parties for my family. i remember one night walking in the house and him already being here. he saw me walk in and just kind of looked shocked, stared and said hi. i pulled him into my room to hug him and be alone. right when i closed the door, he said ‘you look stunning. when i saw you walk in the door, you left me breathless.’ who wouldnt appreciate something like that. at that moment i could see myself coming home to him every night for the rest of my life and him reacting just the same way. later that night i told him ‘youll always tell me how beautiful i am. wont you?’ i knew he would.

the first month was filled with him asking me and trying to talk me into being his girlfriend. i finally said yes. the next month was filled with me figuring out a way to get out of it.

he was a talker. an analyzer. i should have known. hes an english teacher. i kept telling everyone, and even trying to convince myself that he was perfect. he is such a good guy. a really good catch. im sure, even though i havent talked to him since april, that he is still all those things. at one time, i told gina that i was sure i would regret breaking up with him if i ever did. shes doesnt really believe in that, but i know someone who is over 50 who has that thought about someone he dated in his early 20’s. i thought steven was a good ‘end up’ guy and i know im a good ‘end up’ girl.

only problem…….i was bored. and thats more than i could suck up to handle for the rest of my life.  i refuse to be bored for the rest of my life just because its a sure thing. or a safe thing. i would rather be by myself. truth be told, most times I had a lot more fun with myself than when steven was around.

the idea of ending up with him was a hard one to let go. im 28 and i should be thinking long term. i should be coming close to those ‘need to settle down’ feelings. with steven i found myself running away from them.

it was a good relationship to learn from. i remember dating mike a long time ago and telling a friend how much fun we had. he replied ‘fun doesnt always last. youll need more than that to make forever.’ likewise, a relationship without fun was destined to end.

whats weird is that of all the things i want in a person, or at least thought i wanted, steven had. christian, good family, good job, smart, nice, good looking, clean. and that last goes really far with me. i really liked steven in a group with everyone. i liked him way better when there were other people around. not so much when we were alone.

so the day came and the end was there. after i left his house…you know, after he told me he was falling in love with me, then asked me, after over two months of knowing him as steven, to call him STEVE not steven….he texted me something simple and i have never heard from or about him since. i felt nothing. no tears. no sadness. a little relief. actually, in the weeks that followed, i felt pissed. pissed that i had wasted time on an us. ugh. what a waste.

so….this is an official good-bye to the boy. goodbye “STEVE!”

i should have known from the very first night ,when i didnt want to stay and sleep with you, that it was never ever ever going to work out.  sleeping with my friends is my favorite. with you, all i wanted to do was get away. i never wanted to stay.

From: B’Ann

Sent: Wednesday, February 14, 2007 11:00 AM

To: Patricia Subject:

RE:

Is Steven still nice?

——————————————————————————–

From: Patricia

Sent: Wednesday, February 14, 2007 1:53 PM

To: B’Ann

Subject: RE:

Steven is beyond nice. He’s Thoughtful and Kind. Careful and Communicative. Complementary and Gentle. Patient and Consistent. Giving and Truthful. Real and Personable. Thankful and Mature. Accessible and Willing.

at about the same time i started working out with shawn, i started wed night dinners with amy and jason and dakota. id workout from 6-7 and make it to their house by 730 for dinner. it was exactly what my body needed after a good workout.

time went by and i started taking some classes on wednesday nights which meant dinner just kind of got pushed to the side. it kind of pushed aside the relationship i had built with my brother and his family during those dinners, too. we didnt talk much during that time. but that kind of thing happens with them, and its ok. we dont hold grudges we just pick right back up where we were the next time we hang out.

Wednesday night dinner started up again this week when we all met for sushi to celebrate amy’s bday.

it actually started out as just jason, amy, dakota, and me. like a normal wed night dinner. but that was before i got involved. since ‘the more the merrier’ is my theme to life, i extended the invite to my mom and dad the night before and spent the rest of wednesday inviting everyone else in my life within driving distance. yes, all MY invites, to celebrate someone elses bday. thats the way we do things around here.

steven was the last one to be invited. mostly because i had just gone to sushi with him at the same place 2 days prior. well, there was that and the fact that since the party had mulitiplied from 4 to 12, he would be be thrown into meeting almost everyone in my ‘circle’ all at once, after only knowing me 6 days.

in his truck after dinner, he told me what a great time he had with my friends and family. ‘i really like your friends and family.’ i sat there, took a second and decided to let it all out. “this is me. pure and simple. i love to invite EVERYONE with me EVERYWHERE. the more people I can sqeeze into a dinner or an outing or an event, the better. i feel most comfortable when everyone is invited. most of my friends are from different times in my life and only know each other because of me. and most of my family knows most of my friends because of the constant invites. with me, everyone is welcome.”

which really is the reason I am so happy steven went to dinner with us all. im happy he’s part of the group. part of the invite list to amy’s bday dinner. he made my ‘more’ merrier.