Patricia Danielle

church on sunday mornings, salads, my apt in pasadena, friends with new babies, my new franklin covey day-planner, taking only 1/2 of the cycle class, the protable heather that makes my apt livable, sports talk radio, not being obsessed with sports, ketchup. holiday marshamallows, talking it out with brian, yellow, driving stick, carpooling, lunch with my teams, knowing that all this work madness will soon come to an end, spending every available waking second with brian, new pictures from vegas, diet 7up, target, joan of arcadia, finally getting a few minutes to blog, hot chocolate, having both lap-tops, all my i-pod playlists, lists, going to bed way too early, having internet access outside of work, my want-to-be uggs, staying warm, laundry at the apt where you can do 4 loads at a time, bailey, my new wireless mouse, colors, laughing, remembering lots of fun times, my new white teddy bear ‘Low’, sharing, tasting candy again, finally sticking up for myself, crackers and hummus, vacationing while watching someones home, planning the next trip, making long term plans, sleeping in, goldleaf perfume, and all the silly/funny/baby talk. 

bran cereal, taking pictures, gold, propel packets to add to water, purpose driven life, texting, bingo at work, my laptop, yellow highlighters, pretzles, diet coke zero, sleeping, skittles, the beach, the sun, speaker phone on my cell, the end of ‘the year of the wedding’, holding hands, finding lost things, 50/50 bar ice cream, someone who easily says ‘yes’,  smiling, moving out, filling up my days, my jump rope circut, being cared for, not having to always make the decision, being part of the director’s team….

hello. this letter is being written to the child/ren i will some day give birth to.

some days, things are so busy i wonder how i will fit you in. i dont have time to feed myself, let alone another person. i dont know how i will potty-train you. that seems so hard. some kids even relapse. i dont know what your name will be and i have no clue who your father will be. of course, if i had my pick, youd end up with the last name ’selleck’ or ’stamos’. but i dont have my pick so ill wait for gods pick. hes done some pretty amazing teaming up of couples…your grandma and grandpa is just one example.

sometimes when i see kids walking to the bus-stop all alone…or with a bunch of other kids, probably their friends, i think ‘how could anyone ever let their child out of their site?’ sometimes i feel nervous about letting you leave my side, and you havent even been born yet.

other times i see kids and teenagers walking around acting 3 times their age……and i think about all the ways i can lock you and your siblings up in the basement from the age of 8 to 27. that way you will miss the drugs and sex and rock-n-roll stages of life. you wont wear a ‘hooters’ tank top or call a girl a ‘bitch’ or ‘hoe’. youll wear clothes a lot larger than your size if youre a girl and something that actually looks like it is your size if youre a boy.

i hope with everything inside of me that you get to meet my grandma, your great grandma. shes a pretty-tough cookie. she’ll probably still be the ‘queen at club this week’. im hoping she’ll stick around for another 20 years or so…she’s got to be there at the wedding and then to hold you and your siblings….and all your cousins. i need that. i want that.

and i know my parents, your grandparents are just waiting and hoping your arrival. i know that grandpa dan is waiting to fall in love with a grand-daughter……and grandma jan is just waiting for me to fall in love before the idea of you even exists.

for now, my god has my heart. hes my ‘guy’. the one who understands me and loves me regardless. the one who nudges me to rewind and the one whose grace is my redemption….whose mercies are new every morning. hes the one whos heart i am taken with, the one who is the lover of my heart.

and you know what, he gave his one and only son, jesus christ, to die for me and forgive all sins…all because he would rather live with me than anything else. i dont even know you yet, but i cant even begin to think about giving you up. i cant even think about walking you to the alter like abraham did. what faith it must take to raise childrena and to raise them in todays world.

but in the same regard, i will be giving to you back to god the moment you are given to me. me and my house will serve the lord…im so happy you are part of my ‘house’. be prepared because we will be going to church for the rest of our lives. we will be whole-heartedly serving god and living by his word, through faith. he will set out our steps and we will follow in his ways.

so, with all that said, as much as i love you already, i CAN wait to meet you. timing is everything. and ill sit and wait patiently for the best timing…..for gods perfect timing.

ALL my love…..mommy

oh, p.s.-you will never wear a shirt that says anything like “FOR SALE: my parents.”

just a word to the wise when out running in the claremont hills.

1. if it is around 100 degrees, give or take a few in either direction, do not wear all black, including shoes and socks, unless you want to feel like you are running in hell on black concrete.

2. if you have to stop to tie your shoe, and you need a place to put your mase because you love your family and friends and carry it with you every time you run, do not place it in the easiest and most obivous holder…your mouth. especially not with the end that sprays. if you do, you will spend the rest of the morning spitting every few seconds with a full understanding of what it would feel like if a firecracker went off in your mouth.

3. when in a hurry and trying to get through the 5 miles even 5 minutes quicker than usual, pick up your feet as you run. if you dont, you will soon trip and fall and end up with scratches and bruises on one whole side of your body that makes it look like you slid into third base on a concrete baseball field. at least there will be blood. at least.

i used to have pretend boyfriends everywhere.

i used to have a pretend boyfriend at church. he went to the 945 sunday morning service and he was super tall. so tall that i could sit on the complete other side of church and still see him over the massive crowd of people. i never even came close to talking to him. i was always a whole congregation away.

then there was the pretend boyfriend that i had to take a drive to see. he worked at the outback steakhouse about 30 minutes away from where i lived and worked. i only made the drive 4 times total, i think. he was a fun one to like. 

i also had one at the grocery store. he bagged groceries at VONS. after 2 years of seeing him a few times a week, a couple of weeks before i left for japan, i finally talked to him for a few minutes. but really, that isnt the point of pretend boyfriends.

pretend boyfriends arent to talk to or be looked at as prospective boyfriends. nope. they are just cute boys to look at and have fun talking about. different than a crush because with a crush, there can be real feelings involved. but pretend boyfriend kind of feelings mirror those of a 2nd grader. its all giggles and smiles then quickly forgotten about.

actually…the ‘quickly forgotten about’ sounds a little like the last real boyfriend….go figure.

right now i am so loving:

talk radio. cycle classes. rhonda the cycle instructor. beautiful night skies. chapstick. headbands. flip flops. texting. sushi. lichi jellies. free water.  my employees. a clean room. NPR. bride-to-be-friends. ska music. filling up before empty. clear nailpolish. the feeling that summer is just around the corner. mixing up grandmas house to wednesday nights. defending brit. doing anything with kylee. a night a week with friends. clean sheets. saving money.

i recently went to a meeting for work where a speaker was brought in to discuss powerful approaches to coaching employees. it was probably one of the top 10 meetings ive ever been a part of. it was actually useful because it was a meeting with the purpose of investing in me. thats the only kind of meeting i want to be a part of anymore.

because of my participation, the speaker gave me a copy of her book titled “confessions of an adrenaline addict.” im not sure there is a book that could better describe my lifestyle. during the meeting, she kept throwing out ideas and quotes from different books, asking if anyone had read them. i personally had read a few but wrote down the titles of the others. im always up for reading books that move/question/push/encourage/expect/develop me.

the meeting was the reason for my 15 book purchase the next day from both amazon and thrift books. it started with monday morning leadership, then, when finished, ‘the five love languages’, next i started the four agreements. last night, i finished the four agreements. somehow, in buying many of the books she referenced throughout the meeting, i also found a few interests of my own….’the wealth of nations’…’communist manefesto’….’emily ever after.’

after reading 2 non-fiction books, im currently on the only fiction book i purchased, which is the last listed, and was a recommend from my cousin who sees myself and the main character as interchangeable beings. so far, im fully entertained. though, all the while, im looking forward to starting her ‘confessions of an adrenaline addict book.

who am i trying to kid? im actually looking forward to FINISHING the ‘confessions of an adrenaline addict’ book. i guess thats the ‘adrenaline addict’ outlook on reading.

in sept of 2005, my grandma got really sick. she was actually in the hospital for about 3 weeks. my sister and i are the ones who found her in a horrible state in her bedroom, apparently trying to get over the sickness on her own. we later found out that she had salmonella poisoning, and per her, had we not taken her to the hospital when we did, she would have never ‘made it.’ even thinking about that makes me want to puke. puke and scream. scream and cry.

it was then that i decided i had to rearrange my priorities. i decided it would be something like this:

1. my relationship with my savior aka; the creator of the universe.

2. getting and staying healthy/fit.

3. grandma.

that was a year and a half ago now. since then, i decided to commit one night a week to her. sometimes its thursday nights, sometimes its wednesday nights. sometimes, my life is so packed that going to her house becomes an obligation or a sacrifice because i am loyal to my word and regardless of what is going on, or what i may think i would rather be doing, i make myself go to grandmas house.

and this is why. beyond the committment i have made to her. beyond the analness i have about doing what i say im going to do. and beyond sticking to my ’schedule.’…beyond all of that, it is probably the one thing in my life that is best for my body.

as i sit and watch tv…..usually idol or survivor……i eat salad or tuna…..i often reach for and hold grandmas hand…..i sit and ’single task’ by either talking to grandma or watching tv. not both…….i get ready for bed while im still coherent…..and i go to sleep before 10pm….sometimes even before 9.

there is something very peaceful and calming about my time at grandmas. grandmas retelling of her day and events has mostly to do with an experience at the grocery store and how well she slept the night before. whereas mine are about goals and employees and working out and the boy and family and driving and and and.

i never thought hearing the words: “ready for bed?” could ever sound so nice. but they are. they are grandma’s gold.

 

at about the same time i started working out with shawn, i started wed night dinners with amy and jason and dakota. id workout from 6-7 and make it to their house by 730 for dinner. it was exactly what my body needed after a good workout.

time went by and i started taking some classes on wednesday nights which meant dinner just kind of got pushed to the side. it kind of pushed aside the relationship i had built with my brother and his family during those dinners, too. we didnt talk much during that time. but that kind of thing happens with them, and its ok. we dont hold grudges we just pick right back up where we were the next time we hang out.

Wednesday night dinner started up again this week when we all met for sushi to celebrate amy’s bday.

it actually started out as just jason, amy, dakota, and me. like a normal wed night dinner. but that was before i got involved. since ‘the more the merrier’ is my theme to life, i extended the invite to my mom and dad the night before and spent the rest of wednesday inviting everyone else in my life within driving distance. yes, all MY invites, to celebrate someone elses bday. thats the way we do things around here.

steven was the last one to be invited. mostly because i had just gone to sushi with him at the same place 2 days prior. well, there was that and the fact that since the party had mulitiplied from 4 to 12, he would be be thrown into meeting almost everyone in my ‘circle’ all at once, after only knowing me 6 days.

in his truck after dinner, he told me what a great time he had with my friends and family. ‘i really like your friends and family.’ i sat there, took a second and decided to let it all out. “this is me. pure and simple. i love to invite EVERYONE with me EVERYWHERE. the more people I can sqeeze into a dinner or an outing or an event, the better. i feel most comfortable when everyone is invited. most of my friends are from different times in my life and only know each other because of me. and most of my family knows most of my friends because of the constant invites. with me, everyone is welcome.”

which really is the reason I am so happy steven went to dinner with us all. im happy he’s part of the group. part of the invite list to amy’s bday dinner. he made my ‘more’ merrier.

cycle class, reduced fat chips-ahoy, emailing with amy, learning about being the maid-of-honor, smart water, colored post its, learning sexy tips from anthony, bens wed cycle class,  telling people ‘you were right’, getting along with my sister, having a ‘girls night out’ for v-day, s-a-f-e-t-y dance, going to the movies by myself, switching up my work-out routine, sharing secrets with shannon, loving people at work, hugs from boys, cologne, colored pens, new christian music, talking about god and god stuff and knowing that he is in the midst of that, buying new stamps, mailing valentines days cards, sugar-free monster energy drinks, my new nike ’shocks’ running shoes, the dog in his sweater, giving up on the boy crush….FOR GOOD, having a mom who texts and a grandma with a cell-phone, barely naked nail-polish, talking with gina every day, random magnets from random friends who went random places, remembering the good-ol-days with marin, needing the air conditioner in february, dreams with friends, my new blue-tooth for my new cell phone, sat workouts with augostina, the radom plastic animals i find to give out to my employees at work, fighting for the same employees, tanning, wearing a little bit of lip-gloss, getting along with enrollment, not eating chocolate candy, ice cream dates, walking the  block, boy-short underwear, driving stick, spending time with shannon, finding new music, and honey nut cheerios.