Patricia Danielle

not only was i in san diego for some time, ive been pretty distant from this blog and a couple of other things in life as well.

the last 3 messages at church have had something to do with slowing down, getting rest, and taking a day as the sabbath. since i am out of school this month, im not having the “do anything just to stay busy” problem anymore. right now, things are good.

things are also weird. lets see how much i can go into it……..

i guess it all started a month or so ago. i went out a couple of nights during the week, with a couple of different people, and i had a drink. yes. a drink. one drink each time for a total of 2 drinks. now you see, i dont like the way alcohol tastes, and the controlling side of me doesnt like the feeling that comes after more than one drink and the fact that it wont just go away when i want it to, so i just dont drink. plus, i dont do things where drinking is involved. i dont go to bars, i dont party, i dont go wine tasting……so it really has never been a problem…..or a question.

but the 2 drinks last month were different. i think i have secretly (or not so secretly since the look on my face usually tells all that im thinking) judged people who drink. and not just judged, i almost put them in another category of people…..category 1, people who drink, category 2, people who do not drink. and usually, the things that went along with the category 1 people, in my mind anyway, were that they were idiots, trying to be cool, or losers. i know, very judgemental, very bratty. while the, the people in category 2 were smart, in control, and successful. now you can see why i never wanted to drink or be considered someone who drank.

to one of the people i went out to drinks with, i emailed this: “i never go out and “have drinks.” actually, today someone asked me why i dont and i really had to think about it. i dont know if its so much because i think its wrong or because i dont like drinking or because a lot of people who go out drinking are retarded, or because im a control freak. but, last night’s experience was good……maybe i’ll try it more often.”

he replied: “You think “having drinks” is wrong? You should of said something, we could have gone and hung
out somewhere else. “

i wrote back: “i dont think that “having drinks” is wrong. i just dont ever do it. or hardly ever. ive just recently had a couple of good experiences with having one drink and it really blew my mind that i was ok with it. ill chalk it up to “growing up.” having drinks has never been to me what it was when we went out that night. drinking to me has always included ending up with everyone being pretty “influenced” and something that if i do, i can wait a LONG time until it happens again. so going out for drinks was fine….because i am adaptable and well balanced and growing up and i can have one or two drinks and not think that im abandoning my beliefs or ethics or turning into a druggie…..see what a slippery slope i think it can be….a little silly….im growing here, bear with me.”

funny that i havent had a drink since then, nor do i care to. nonetheless, im 27 years old and still growing…..so bear with me.

im great at giving. i love to give. it is my primary “love language.” but im not really good at sharing. especially when it comes to people.  i must have been sick on ”sharing” day in kindergarten.

as happy as i may be for someone about the amazing things that are going on in their life, i still miss them. i still get jealous of their time. i forget that not everyone is a “more the merrier” type of person.

this happens to work out really well with gina’s situation. shes at work all day, so i can talk to her all day long. then her boy works from 2-11pm so i can be her friend at night too. its just on sunday and monday that she is always booked, because those are the boy’s days off and they spend them together. it works for me though because when i have time, she has time.

then there are my friends like brian who will just make time for me when i make time for him. last time we hung out for a whole weekend, i told him that i kind of have a “friend” crush on  him. one that makes me want to spend forever with him….as a friend. and i like his girlfriend. i like them together. but as much as i like spending time with them, i LOVE spending time with him alone. and this leads me into something else…..

im a touchy person. again, this is a “give” but not “take” situation. as in: “please let me touch you all the time and please think its really fun and cute, but if you touch me, i may never want to talk or spend time with you again.”

its true. but im a good girl so its ok to have such boundaries.

but sometimes, sharing just becomes too much. it almost turns into losing. sometimes i feel like my life is kind of like that. like im sharing my time with so many things that there really isnt enough time to balance it all. new people, which im getting better at letting in, have a one-time chance to make it in and take a stance, lest i have to move them out to make room for something like yoga or running.

then, all things turn around when i am in a relationship. its been a long time since ive been in a relationship, so i guess this is just how it WAS when i was in a relationship…..nevertheless, when i am in one, i dont want to share at all. that doesnt mean i need to be alone with the person 24/7. how boring. but it does mean that i want to have a connection to them at all times. a fun connection. i want to be able to do everything with them, and them everything with me….that doesnt mean we HAVE to do everything together, but i want to be able to if i want to.

this is getting long….and going no where….

so, heres the weird thing with all of this. i would consider myself to be dating someone. i call him a boy, because in my world, we are all boys or girls. ive never dated someone before. ive met someone, spent every waking minute with the person and became boyrfriend-girlfriend with them some time right after. but with the boy, its dating. i guess because we are older. and its a different situation. i cant figure out if im past the “i want to be with you every millisecond possible” because im older, or because i just dont want that with the boy. i like the boy. he’s good. and he has personality, attraction, and kindness all on his side. but i havent jumped over to his side yet. its still a never ending “i dont know” when i think about him and any second past right now.

my dating experience has taught me that slow is good. it’s pressureless and i like that. it makes me appreciate him. appreciate life and how long forever is. makes me value the time i get to spend with the him and helps me not to become obsessed. and in dating, its easy to share. and to be shared. which, i believe, now officially makes me a kindergarten graduate.

i met a boy. a boy he is. he is a spaz! but super fun to talk to. is he the one ill end up with? i highly doubt it. do i think there will ever even be ANYTHING between us? again, i highly doubt it. we talk and email and laugh a lot. theres even that beginning of a friendship kind of joking with each other and stupid silly arguments….you know, all that stuff.

and i met another boy. actually, he’s more of a guy. cute guy. kinda on the skinny side. do i think ill end up with him? nope. do i even want to act interested? nope. whats the point? what is wrong with me? i just really dont care about the whole “boy” thing right now.

i set shannon up with brandon 2 weeks ago. the three of us went out to dinner and to play some video games and eat ice cream. now they are talking/dating. and she is excited and happy and even hopeful.

i always think about jeremiah. a really good high-school friend. a guy i think would have made a perfect husband/father. but, at 16,17,18,19,20,21…..i wasnt looking for that. he apparently was since he quickly became a father/husband and has been so for the past 5 years.

and then there is always darrin. who i know will read this one day. of course i am no where near the top of his friend list anymore. i hate girlfriends. call it jealousy….or whatever you will. i hate being dropped. hate it. have only done it once. hope i never have to again. im a “the more the merrier” kind of girl.

anyway-this is not to say that i ever have had/will have a chance with any of these boys/guys/men, but the other day, i started thinking about all the boys ive passed up, or, passed along. all the good guys are gone! (this is hardly true, i know that)

but, when the cute guy asked me out, got my phone number, and waved good-bye to me, i got in my car and starting thinking, “who is this guy?” i dont even know him. i have no idea if he is even a safe person.”

remember high school? i do. back in those days, everyone knew everyone else. they knew their family, their ex’s, their goods, their bads, the habits, their friends, the sports they played, the car they drove, and a million other stupid, though very important, things. nowadays, i meet someone and i wonder if they are married, have kids, have been divorced, are crazy, have a job, floss, and a zillion other imporatant things that are necessary to know before even spending a second talking with them.

i don’t ever think that i thought i would ever think that meeting boys in high school was a preferable way of doing so, but it just may be.

Interests: Family. Friends. People. English. Christians. Reading. Politics. Spanish. Running. Sunny Weather. Holiday Celebration. Mail and Packages. American Life. Britney. Journaling.

Movies: A Few Good Men. Fool’s Rush In. About a Boy. Life or Something Like It. Notting Hill. Crossroads. American History X. Centerstage. Hope Floats. Pretty Woman. 10 Things I Hate About You. Dead Man Walking. Pearl Harbor. Girls Just Want To Have Fun. Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. Ocean’s Eleven. As Good As it Gets. A Walk To Remember. Son In Law. Crazy/Beautiful. Serendipity. How To Deal. Chocolat. V for Vendetta.

Television: Felicity. Boy Meets World. Gilmore Girls. Amazing Race.

Music: Hanson. Britney. Jimmy Eats World. The Used. Beastie Boys. The O.C. Supertones. Fiona Apple. Matchbox 20. Train. Thrice.  Mae. Third Eye Blind. Bad Boy Bill. Oasis. Storyville. Jefferie’s Fan Club. Keane. Ray Lamontagne.

Books: Message Bible. Anything By Gore Vidal. Political Related Literature/Critisism. P.S. I Love You. What’s So Amazing Anout Grace?

im moving here from here.

from diary to blog….