Patricia Danielle

things are fine and normal. it only took me about 20 hours to fully de-escalate. but de-escalate i did.

ill start writing again on a normal, daily basis, maybe even tonight.

heres why theres a break in writing.

because im tired.

and busy.

and iritated.

i have lots of entries that i have started…enough to fill the days in the last month that i havent written. however, writing anything at all right now in my current state, well, id end up pissing someone off.

so….the pages will remain blank and ‘privacy’ will remain mine. (june 10, 2007)

right now, its june 7th. at about 512pm. and right now, right now work is really hard. 

what’s going on in my life is what i believe and think on.’

i attract what i think about most.

thoughts cause feeling and become things.

an affirmative thought is a hundered times more powerful than a negative one.

the better i feel, the more in alignment i am.

back around september of 2005, after i got home from japan and grandma got sick, i started spending time at grandmas house. the bonus to that included time with aunt coni and uncle gary. i had never really spent much time with either of them before that. i watched as aunt coni morphed into what seemed to be a younger vision of grandma. they griped about the same things and liked the same contestant on every reality show (lord knows they watch them all).

a couple of months ago, aunt coni was diognosed with cancer. the last couple of months have been as hard on grandma as they have been on aunt coni. the words “it was supposed to be me first” actually came from her mouth at one point. maybe more than once.

when aunt coni made the decision to stop treatment, i have to confess i was angry. i dont understand not fighting. but, im not the one with cancer. im not the one who has lost 40 pounds in the last 6 months from being sick and going to radiation every day. im also not the one who has lived the life she has lived. and im not 55. really, i dont want to surrender my beliefs and thoughts and everything i want to shout at the top of my lungs about her decision. however, that doesnt mean that i give up any of my desire to be part of the family time that will come from the last, what may be months or years of her life. like the trip to laughlin with grandma, mom, aunt coni, aunt becky, and me.

we took aunt beckys motorhome. that in and of itslef told me that the trip would be my idea of silly. as i downloaded music onto uncle clenny’s ipod, grandma watched tv. DISH tv on a flatscreen, in the motorhome. once we got to laughlin, mom and aunt becky brought wheelchairs to get grandma and aunt coni from the motorhomes to the rooms. that was  fun. and silly. i carried 4 bags of stuff on my shoulders while i pushed grandma in a wheelchair through a casino to the elevators where i was reminded “take your patient in last.” patient? apparently, i was deemed some sort of medical expert because i pushed a wheelchair.

most of the three days, i just followed the girls around and mom hung out at the pool. i’d win a quarter and giggle. i’d win 2$ and scream.  we played nickels and pennies. lots of pennies. i struck gold once by winning 10$. 1000 pennies! meanwhile, grandma freaked out about not having her gaming card from the pioneer, aunt becky played two 1$ machines at once, and aunt coni continuously got misplaced.

we ate at the buffet for dinner and lunch which for me, meant unlimited steamed veggies…for both. and lots of frosted flakes. there was some weird instance with horseradish, but i dont think i ever fully understood what was going on. that was kind of the jist of the whole weekend. so much banter and so much playing off words and phrases and actions. so silly and yet so serious at times as well. practically everything had to be repeated, because of grandma. repeating things all the time at first is funny. after that, its not. but later, it is again. like now.

it was eerie to stop and think about the reason for the trip. aunt coni is dying. moms sister. every so often aunt coni would say something like, ‘id like to win the lottery. that’ll be the day that i die.’ quick pause. those kind of answers hold so much more weight now. and it was interesting to hear everyone tell aunt coni the whole time ‘whatever you want.’ or ‘get both.’ or ‘what do you want?’ as we catered to her. it made me think about how people live life. why do we choose things that we dont like. or waste time doing things that are so unimportant. why not ALWAYS get both? or so to speak.

we’re home now and aunt coni is doing worse. she has good days and bad. today, as i sit in the bedroom with her at aunt becky’s house, is a bad day. shes laying in a hospital bed and having hospice come out to take care of her needs. she’s dying. and we are all here to watch. how different it must be to die while you know it is happening. mom said that yesterday she had a conversation about heaven with aunt coni. about being afraid and about being in peace. as aunt coni lays here, asleep, eyes sunken in and morphine drowning out the pain, id say shes in peace. however, it’s not as easily seen on the faces of the rest of us. (may 27, 2007)

im sad.

so sad.

gilmore girls is ending on may 15th.

**i forgot to post that i cried when i watched the the series finale of The O.C. i really did. and i hardly ever even watched that show. i dont like things to end.

ill miss you gilmore girls. and because i love you SO much. you will be the next DVD set purchase. 2nd only to Felicity.