Patricia Danielle

theres nothing like watching an episode of oprah where a blind boy who plays the piano and trumpet is asked to be in the marching band with the university of louisville and because he is confined to a wheelchair his dad works nights with UPS in order to go with him to college to take notes and sit in class with him and is also a part of the only 2-man marching piece in a college band because the dad pushes the son while he plays the trumpet….well theres nothing quite like that to make a person, me, feel really shit-tee-why about thinking “poor poor me” for having to spend an hour and a half every 2 weeks and about $50 a month on 8 elementary school girls who call me patricia and give me hugs hello and goodbye and wait for every other friday at 315 to tell me about some random oddity concerning their dog or hair or fighting parents or homework accomplishments…..nothing quite like it

yesterday things were so not good that i could have listened to ‘mmmbop’ on a continuous cycle for all 24 hours straight and never once cracked a smile.

not even once.

it’s really really true.

today is the 6th day with no candy.

yesterday, one of the counselors who works for me came into my office and told me “just eat some candy already!”

it wasnt until tonight at cycle class that i realized i should consider myself an emotional eater. i only say this because im a happy fun excited girl when there is candy around. and lately, without candy ‘around’ i have been anything but happy fun or excited.

* i hate watching two people of the same sex kissing. i hate it. it makes me uncomfortable and grossed out and angry. id rather watch no one kiss than that.

*no me gusta being the person handed the pizza cutter. especially when there are 30 people waiting on my every movement in order to eat after what kinda turned into a hunger strike. im nervous and im anxious and im uncomfortable. please please please take the cutter. please!

* i hate watching movies without knowing the ending….oh, and horror movies, and action movies, and embarrassing movies. they all make me uncomfortable. they make me chew my fingernails and twist my hair and bite on the ends until theyre all soupy with spit. i sit there and squirm and make high-pitched noises all the way until it ends. you know, kind of like when im sitting in the dentist chair.

* and i really dont like being approached by someone who im not interested in….. spiritually…. physically….  mentally….. or just because im NOT. im sorry that i have no idea how to make things normal when i think someone would be fun to date, but i dont want someone to talk to me at the gym, at work, at the tanning salon, or at the gas station. that is, unless they are christian. really christian. i WISH those boys would approach me. until then, i think ive narrowed it down to meeting someone at church, the grocery store, or a book store. id say starbucks would be on the list, but i dont do starbucks darn-it.

 

in response to all of this, it is very apparent that i am a major control freak. i never thought of it like that until i spent the last 3 conversations with the new jason (the other jason is so last season) talking about how he learns so  much about me in everything i say and do and even in the expressions written all over my face. i used to consider it just a little bit of OCD. but even now as i sit here typing this, i can see the controlling vines intertwined in every knook and cranny of mi vida. how else would you explain the little voice inside my head telling me ‘its 10:34pm. go to bed. go to bed. tomorrow morning will be very hard. go to bed. go to bed.’ how else?

Will you like to watch the sunrise
Will you have blue or brown eyes
What are the dreams you long to share

I hope you like Stevie Wonder
Are you afraid of thunder
I close my eyes and say a prayer your out there somewhere

Chorus:
I’ve been waiting all my life for you
I’ve been wishing on every shining star
I’ve been watching out of my window
Wondering where you are Wondering where you are

My heart’s my only treasure
I’ve been saving it for your pleasure
I can’t wait to give my heart to you

We’ll walk this road together
That leads us to forever
I close my eyes and say a prayer your out there somewhere

Chorus

Too many nights alone
And this house won’t be a home until I’m with you

I’ve been waiting all my life for you
I’ve been wishing on every shining star

no really. youre all very amazing. very intelligent and likeable. youre great at taking care of me and of yourself. youre fun and loveable and i want nothing more than to hug you and love you and constantly touch you. i really do. 

thats not the problem.

the problem isnt what i want to do, the problem is what i dont want to do.

i dont want to kiss you.

im sorry, i just dont.

and its not all boys…its just you boys in my life right now….(like i said, except maybe one!) 

and its really hard. because i love you all to pieces. pieces and pieces.

i just dont love you so much i want to make-out with you.

my brother even wishes i could get ’saucey’ for one of you.

believe me, i wish i could too!

From:
B’Ann
Sent: Monday, January 22, 2007 5:22 AM
To: Patricia
Subject:

So – I’ve had to delete 3 calls of Jason talking to Bri

yeah- thats what happens when he doesnt have me to talk to all the time. we havent talked in 4 days since we got in that huge arguement. im good with it…..i feel SO free not spending so much time talking to him.

From: B’Ann
Sent: Monday, January 22, 2007 9:51 AM
To: Patricia
Subject: RE:

Good.  J  I wonder if this Bri knows all his drama?

of course not. he’ll tell her all of it.

he’s good at setting himself up to let other people know he is going to fail so when he does, he can say ‘i told you so’.

From: B’Ann
Sent: Monday, January 22, 2007 9:54 AM
To: Patricia
Subject: RE:

That’s sad – no self esteem

---

yet- he has all the self-confidence in the world….maybe its all a show

From: B’Ann
Sent: Monday, January 22, 2007 9:56 AM
To: Patricia
Subject: RE:

Yeah – that’s weird because he does have confidence and think he’s the best at his job. I guess he thinks he’s the best looking too since he was mad that I didn’t say he was the best looking out of the picture with his friends

or remember when he was SO upset with me that i didnt say he was the best looking guy ive dated?

 

not necessarily in reference to timothy, but this statement is true. i just dont. and so im not going to.

when gina told me about steven’s new roommate, timothy, she said he was cute like toby mcguire. i wasnt really sure what that kind of ‘cute’ meant, but once i met him i kind of got it. hes really personable and i must say, he fits in quite well with us. kind of like he was meant to be part of the story from the beginning, we were just waiting to write him in. and written in he was.

i remember meeting him the first time at their house. when i walked into the house and the USC football game wasnt on the TV he sat in front of, i already had him in a ‘box’.  when i found out he worked for playboy….or sirius…whichever, the box changed shape a bit, but there was still a box.

you see, boys all fit into a box. a friend box. a family box. a marriage box. or a trash box. after 4 times with timothy, hes now in the friend box…the ‘myspace’ friend box. and the emailing me from …….@playboy.com friend box. oh, and kind of the family box, too. anyone who lives with my best friend’s fiance is family for sure.

honestly, he really never had a chance not to be.

im candy/marshmallow free two days as of today…..

so, now im out ketchup and candy and marshmallows…..all of my favorites…..

i think i may replace them with whiskey and cigars……

i think

2 friday nights ago, gina and i went to see freedom writers with her mom and dad. it just so happens they know the girl who sold the rights to the story in order for it to be made into a movie and we all wanted to support it the first weekend it came out.

when the movie was over, we ran into a couple who lives in the same area as gina’s parents. they started talking about their upcoming trip to Africa. in a few months, theyre going on an african safari with a bunch of their friends. the woman started talking about all the shots they are going to get before they go and the medicine they are taking for malaria and how much each of the pills are. that they have spent almost 1000$ just getting prepared to take the trip. she talked about how it’s so worth it because she doesnt want to have to, god forbid, go to one of ‘their’ doctors. because, you know, ‘god only knows what kind of doctors they have there and what they do.’ and then busted out a smile when she said ‘one of the guys going on our trip is a doctor. so we’ll have a doctor on our trip if anything does happen to anyone.’

standing there listening to her, lisenting to her ethnocentricity, i wanted to cry and scream and throw-up all at once. i hate that americans think the way we often do. that there is no other educated, intelligent human life outside of the north american borders. im not saying that all healthcare is the same, that would be preposterous. i get it, i myself wasnt about to let the japanese dentists near my grill. but i still trust them. i believe that they COULD do something if it was necessary. and, maybe im being too hard, maybe the chick thinks the same thing……maybe all her hysteria was her way of making the story better. maybe.

i just listened to her tell her story as my stomach and heart turned. i thought about all the places i have been outside of our red, white, and blue country lines, having never taken meds or gotten shots before leaving. i thought about the guy i trekked the himalayas with who did get sick in india and for about 25$-40$ a day, was treated in urgent care and a grandiose stay at the hospital for more than a few days. i thought of the conversation i had with doug recently where he told me that he was waiting to get dental work done until he was back on the asian continent.

talk about needing to be a little more open-minded? im thinking a real quick spelling and meaning lesson would be helpful for us all, therefore:

results for: ethnocentric

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