There’s a real value to figuring out who we are: alone.
We can’t invest in someone really special until we have really invested in ourselves.
Being alone isn’t something to suffer through, it is something to celebrate.
Just because there isn’t someone to share every moment of the universe with doesn’t make it any less beautiful.
the last couple of days were poopy. i worked really hard on monday and was hoping i could get ahead and take tuesday off. not possible.
this morning i walked into the gym excited. yes, it was still dark outside, but i decided that today would be a really good day. i worked out hard even though the person who was supposed to meet me FLAKED. then i did some crunches and i got ready for work.
when i walked out the doors and into the morning, it stopped me in my tracks. the sun was shining on the peaks of the mountains. it was just enough to turn them into ‘purple mountains majesty.’ the surrounding sky was clear and the air was crisp.
when i have these kind of moments, i feel closer to god than ever before. i feel like he has specifically set me here, if for nothing else, just so i could walk out those doors and see him in that moment. it shows me how much he loves me. how much he knows my likes and desires and needs. my god is closer to my heart with each breath i take. each morning that i wake up. and its that god….the god of the universe, the god of those mountains and the god who created the sun to shine on them….its THAT god whom i serve. that god whom i love. that god whom i thank.
i need a day off.
OBVIOUSLY i should have taken it today.
OBVIOUSLY.
i like deep voices. the deeper the better.
therefore, i have decided to marry a professional baseball anouncer.
“i need to get a hummer, like a true republican.” -my new favorite comment, from my new not-favorite person.
along with sugar, i have recently added ‘talk radio’ to my list of addictions.
i mean REALLY.
it started long ago with mark and bian. then came dr. laura (whom i can no longer STAND to listen to even on the commercials). then i moved on to frosty, heidi, and frank (whom i quickly got over). within the last couple of weeks, ive opened my world up to rush and then sean hannity…..but they have down-time too in which they fill with silence or music…..but i need talking. i need information. i need thinking. for some reason, my brain needs to be working on 3 things at the same time…..so i went searching….searching for MORE talk….anyone, talk to me, please…….what did i find? sports talk radio. so what am i now obssessed with? sports…..sports talk radio, sports lines, the games, the reports…..AHAHHAHHHHH…..who would have ever thought?
i guess its good that my dad and brothers are into sports so i understand it all. and i WAS a cheerleader and boys varsity basketball stats keeper, so theres always a little knowledge from that.
no wonder why i feel SO relieved when i go to yoga. 90 minutes of no talking is a true anomaly in my life.
i drink a LOT of water. we’re talkin’ more than a gallon a day. really. which means i have to pee. A LOT.
but i also have to be in my office to take student calls and be there for all the other craziness.
so i find myself putting off going to the bathroom to pee. which is know is horrible. it causes bladder infections. ouch.
so, sometimes, as im waiting and waiting and waiting, not by choice of course, to get up and go to the bathroom, i talk to myself:
“youre going to be ok. dont get a bladder infection. ill drink extra cranberry for you today. i promise ill go the very next second i feel i need to…..just DONT GET A BLADDER INFECTION.”
thus far its been very productive!
im not normally super girly, nor do i believe in all that “hormones-shormones” crap…..most times anyway. but this time, it may just be playing a small part in the emotional roller coaster ride ive been on the past couple of weeks.
right now the “boy” feelings that come and go, take way too much time for what its worth. im not sure why i cant seem to shake the need to focus crush energy at someone. why cant i focus the stupid energy towards myself. towards my work. towards my friends or family. towards cleaning my room. doing the lawn. washing my car? to say that things have been a bit like a roller coaster with the whole boy thing is a huge underestimation. i have never been in such a whirlwind mess of ups and downs with a boy. its one of those things that makes me question the amount of strength i have inside myself. am i really taking part in a relationship like this? or is it just that for now, this is fine, because really its not even close to being a relationship. is that why i just let it fly? either way, im all mixed up. thats all there is to it.
last week, while i was down at the beach, i missed a couple of calls from gina. i tried calling back, but there is something about urgency that disables my phone from correct usage.
the next morning at work, i called her back. as i started to explain about the nonfunctionality of my phone the previous night, she broke in with:
“he asked me.”
“when? how?”
“yesterday, in vegas. he asked if i would go to italy with him, then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.”
i started to cry. in a happyway. and in a sad way too.
i love steven with gina. i love steven for gina. and i knew engagement was on its way. my prediction was that it’d be by Christmas.
as i listened to the rest of her engagment story, i grew selfish. i started thinking about our silly spend-over nights together. the ones where she brings out silly old pictures and letters from high school. the ones where she asks me to re-tell her stories from india and from spain. the ones where we talk about her trip to see me in japan. and then we turn off the lights, ready for bed, and talk and talk until one of us drifts off. but those days are soon to be gone. we wont be sleeping together anymore. they will have a marriage bed and i will have to stay in “trisha’s room” on ‘trisha’s bed” in the new house. the wedding, which will take place in italy, wont happen until sometime next year in late spring, so ive still got a couple of nights left with her and laughing. ill have to take advantage of that.
i remember when my old roommate tracie, who got married in peru, came home for a visit with her husband last christmas time. after sitting at church listening to them do question and answer time with some of their partners and friends, i drove home in a daze on the verge of tears. it had finally hit me that she was MARRIED and that those nights of sitting at the dining room, talking about EVERYTHING, were forever over. there will never be another night of her and i in that apartment as roommates, who were basically at the same point in life. she was MARRIED…..it kept hitting me.
so, the last week, ive been thinking the same thing about gina. she’s ENGAGED. soon, she’ll be MARRIED, too. there’s not one tiny bit of me that is jealous about that. but there is one tiny bit of me, ok its bigger than a little tiny bit, that is having to “deal” with it the whole fact. bratty….i know.
last night i went to her house with feelings in tow. the family was at the dinner table, steven too. we sat there and talked about their trip, their plans, their house, their love. later, she pulled up the wedding dress that she wants on a bridal website and we talked about how skinny the model wearing it was. then she turned to me and asked me, her best friend, to be her maid of honor.
“yes. of course.” then i got misty eyed again. just like im doing now.
when i got ready to leave, i hugged steven and told him that he was now part of the family, and that includes me. he smiled and said that he knew, and that it was a good family to be a part of.
is there any question that i happen to think the same?
