Patricia Danielle

i know it. but i havent always.

ive recently had my eyes opened wide to the fact that i live in a fantasy world. even things that are real to me, are thoughts of fantasy to others.

most people in my life, even those who come and go, are really good at letting me remain clueless and naive. i do admit that, for me, its mostly by choice. i choose to believe in humanity and the goodness that i believe presides within each of us.

take for instance love. in my book. true love exists.

and right and wrong. in my book, they are absolutes.

and trust. it’s given. it can be lost, and earned back, but it starts as a given.

and words. they are meant in the clean, nice, cute, good, innocent, happy way. not the dirty, sexual, nasty, classless, raunchy way.

see, things are easy and happy when you think like this. maybe thats why i make such a good republican. or does that set me up to be an awesome socialist? either way, i dont want my boat rocked.

i dont want to be told that the people i loved, did not love me in the same way or to the same extent that i loved them.

i dont want to be told that after 5 years of marriage, things just naturally fizzle out because of monotony.

i dont want to be told that the song lyric with the word “anaconda” is in reference to a boy’s private part.

i dont want to be told that the things you are saying may just be you saying them to flatter me or to keep me interested and they can change at any time if they are real.

im under the impression that if you care about me, youll protect me. there is a way to prepare me and inform me without being so abrupt and mean-spirited. doing so in a way that really, just ends up hurting my feelings. i know you think it is just honesty and that you are doing me a favor. but, really, you are just fogging up my world and confusing my knowns and unknowns.

just let me believe, and trust, and think, and remain optomistic.

i promise, once i am responsible for someone other than myself, ill embrace reality. but for now……let me live and move and have my being in fantasy land. at least for just a little bit longer.

just a little bit?

my sole purpose for rising this morning was to see kylee experience her first day of kindergarten. all dressed and ready for work in my four inch black heels, i met up with kylee, her mom and dad, and my sister jenna for the big occasion. 

kindergarten. geez. im in love with this child. i just want to eat her every time i see her. she came dressed in capris and a tank. hair half up and half down (a compromise with her mom) and brand new shoes, thanks to aunti jen. we met ms. moncavyo and slowly paced through the classroom setup.

after we colored some “family activity” sheet, kylee asked me to push her on the swings. since i may as well be named “aunti of course” i walked over to the swings with her. the swing area and its wood chip contents is probably not what MICHAEL SHANNON was thinking of when he dreamed up the shoes I was wearing. nonetheless, i pushed.

thats when the competition started. in kindergarten. the little girl next to kylee started in on “iiiiiiiiiii can push myself. iiiiiiiiiiii dont need anyone to push me.” i wanted to tell her “you may not NEED anyone to push you, but if you keep acting like a pink princess sparkly shoe BRAT, people are going to feel compelled to do so of their own accord!” but i didnt.

while we were strolling through the room, we came accross what kylee said was a mouse. too bad it was 10 times bigger than a mouse and commonly referred to as a RAT. at which time her mother notified her “when they ask you who wants to take it home during christmas time, DO NOT VOLUNTEER.” she just kind of looked up at us as we all stood there, heads nodding in agreement.

ms. moncavyo raised her voice and asked the kids to get in a line behind her. the kids lined up like the good little soldiers that society is forming them to be, and took directions well as she told them to wave goodbye to their mom and dad as the train chugged by us. click click of cameras…..wave wave of little hands…and “goodbye mom and dad” from ms. moncavyo. all us tall people slowly turned, walked through the class, and out the door.

the future of america is currently listening to ms. moncavyo state the rules of kindergarten. AKA: All we ever really needed to know……

 

“liberals have NO sense of humor. they are just sitting around waiting to be offended.” rush

i like to sleep with boys. im not talking about sex. or even making out (though, making out, i LOVE). im just talking about laying next to someone in my pajamas and sleeping. im a happy waker-upper (thanks to japan) and i love waking up happy with someone.

im pretty good at defining the lines with the boy; nothing more than being cute and sleeping. whatever their plans, im really straight forward with my plans; laugh, sleep, wake up happy.

on my way to sleep with a boy on wed night, i called darrin. not to proudly proclaim what i was about to do, but to talk with him. i had to tell him that i didnt have a cosmo, but a kamekaze, and that i didnt even know that KZLA was going off the air. but, when he asked what i was doing, i didnt lie.

“im going to sleep with a boy.”

“oh trisha, that really lowers your stock value.”

then a whole bunch of other stuff, but this is pretty much what i remember from the whole thing. that and some comment he said about me getting to a place in life where i start looking for “the one” who i will sleep with forever, instead of just random boys who mean nothing.

regardless of the talk with darrin, i was already in “i dont know” mode with the whole jason thing. it got worse yesterday. then after an hour talk, and a “goodbye jason” at 1037pm it was all over. on understandable terms. and without me heartbroken or obsessed.

so as of today, august 26, 2006, i am sleeping for one….alone. so to all those who have anything invested, im happy to report that over the course of the night, trisha stock has increased in value.

“If you’re an optimist, and most of your thoughts are
positive, if you trust yourself and others and think a lot about how good it
will feel when you achieve and become what you want, chances are very good
you’ll succeed. You’ll do what you need to do to make your life match your
picture, your thoughts. So you see, although you can’t always control what
happens in the outside world, you can control your inner one, your thoughts.

And when you do that, you unleash tremendous energy, tremendous drive. When
you choose to respond to the world in positive, productive ways, it’s easy
to predict a positive, productive future, one you create yourself, day by
day.”

Winner’s Circle Network with Lou Tice, 08/21/2006

Lord help me to keep my mind stayed on you. That way I can be in perfect peace. That way I can stay focused on the positive things of the present and future. Remind me that you have a purpose and a plan for my life. That you love me and have only the best things for me as part of your perfect will. And help those things that I know to be true, to be really evident in my life. Let it be apparent. And when I pray and ask that you move things along, and you do, help me to stay away from those things. Help me to leave them behind. And please help by filling the hole that will inevitably be left when those things are pulled and moved along. I’ll need the most help with that. Well, that and that very first step. That’s going to be hard.

im so pissed right now that i just wasted about 10 seconds of my life reading something about br00ke burke, even if it was by accident and meant nothing to me. i aint got 10 seconds to spare for crap like that.

not only was i in san diego for some time, ive been pretty distant from this blog and a couple of other things in life as well.

the last 3 messages at church have had something to do with slowing down, getting rest, and taking a day as the sabbath. since i am out of school this month, im not having the “do anything just to stay busy” problem anymore. right now, things are good.

things are also weird. lets see how much i can go into it……..

i guess it all started a month or so ago. i went out a couple of nights during the week, with a couple of different people, and i had a drink. yes. a drink. one drink each time for a total of 2 drinks. now you see, i dont like the way alcohol tastes, and the controlling side of me doesnt like the feeling that comes after more than one drink and the fact that it wont just go away when i want it to, so i just dont drink. plus, i dont do things where drinking is involved. i dont go to bars, i dont party, i dont go wine tasting……so it really has never been a problem…..or a question.

but the 2 drinks last month were different. i think i have secretly (or not so secretly since the look on my face usually tells all that im thinking) judged people who drink. and not just judged, i almost put them in another category of people…..category 1, people who drink, category 2, people who do not drink. and usually, the things that went along with the category 1 people, in my mind anyway, were that they were idiots, trying to be cool, or losers. i know, very judgemental, very bratty. while the, the people in category 2 were smart, in control, and successful. now you can see why i never wanted to drink or be considered someone who drank.

to one of the people i went out to drinks with, i emailed this: “i never go out and “have drinks.” actually, today someone asked me why i dont and i really had to think about it. i dont know if its so much because i think its wrong or because i dont like drinking or because a lot of people who go out drinking are retarded, or because im a control freak. but, last night’s experience was good……maybe i’ll try it more often.”

he replied: “You think “having drinks” is wrong? You should of said something, we could have gone and hung
out somewhere else. “

i wrote back: “i dont think that “having drinks” is wrong. i just dont ever do it. or hardly ever. ive just recently had a couple of good experiences with having one drink and it really blew my mind that i was ok with it. ill chalk it up to “growing up.” having drinks has never been to me what it was when we went out that night. drinking to me has always included ending up with everyone being pretty “influenced” and something that if i do, i can wait a LONG time until it happens again. so going out for drinks was fine….because i am adaptable and well balanced and growing up and i can have one or two drinks and not think that im abandoning my beliefs or ethics or turning into a druggie…..see what a slippery slope i think it can be….a little silly….im growing here, bear with me.”

funny that i havent had a drink since then, nor do i care to. nonetheless, im 27 years old and still growing…..so bear with me.

“I noticed you have PatriCIA in your name, are you a spy???” Rick, the computer guy

nothing like a tiny make-out session to help me forget about the now 23 yr. old boy crush. this time the crush was tiny and a WAY more controlled.

the last 6 months have done a crush good.

now, just 2 more years to wait.