this is not for you. it is for me.
i feel caught in limbo. ready to say goodbye and hold on tight for dear life at the same time.
they say timing is everything. in this situation, i have all the time in the world. and im ready for the countdown to begin.
working for it is sucky. its never been this hard. hard work.
honestly, its always been the other way around. it not being like that seems impossible to me.
gina’s pastor recently stated, “any time you spend investing in other people, it is never time wasted.”
those words sure make spending time with others more important and more meaningful. it also creates a strong sense of responsibility within me.
the opposite is true as well. i am so appreciative to those who have invested time in me…..my parents, family, friends, teachers, and managers. it truly wasnt wasted.
“I just want your extra time and your kiss.”- From Kiss, by Prince
It’s true. I don’t need much, but I do need attention and I need affection.
Let me jsut say that I am learning patience these days.
After all, it is said that “Patience is a virtue!”
i FINALLY bought a new white bra after apparently having mine sucked up and eaten by my bedroom floor somtime within the last 6 months.
its PERFECT. and i LOVE it. and now i want to wear white every day all the time!
woo hoo!
dearest darrin,
i didnt mean to tell you that i was jealous. i AM jealous about the concert, but thats besides the point.
what i meant to tell you when i called was that i miss you. i miss hanging out with you. i miss talking with you. and i miss laughing with you.
it has nothing to do with knowing that you and katie will be together forever. for that i am happy. i LOVE that you are happy and in love.
what it does have to do with is going from one end of the scale to the other. for that, ugh. and for the 8 or 9 months that you have been with her and the one time ive ever talked with her, ugh.
i think i can feel the way im feeling without anger or jealousy. actually i know i can, because thats how it is.
i just miss us….. Tricia aka ’sosha’
at my kickboxing class this morning, the instructor had a bit of a cold and it muffled her speech.
everytime she said, “double knee” it sounded like “double d.”
last saturday veronica and i met up at the beach for some girl time. shes 3 months pregnant, but can barely tell because she is so skinny. after she latherd up with sunblocked, we layed on our towels, imprinting our bodies into the sand, and talked girl talk. boys, babies, siblings. only difference is that the boy i have been seeing is 32 and her husband of 3 months is 52.
she and steve went through some major issues before getting married and i suppose with the large difference in age, those issues will always be a part of their relationship. before she got married, i had the “are you sure youre doing the right thing?” talk. we made a whole day of it. i asked the tough questions. she never felt theatened. we talked and discussed and it was then that i realized how deep our friendship is. while she told me that i was a true friend for making sure i asked all those questions before she got married, i felt the same that she would share such intimate and personal thoughts/beliefs/experiences with me.
at the beach, when i told her i forgotten the baby gift i had boughten for her, she told me that she brought something for me! something that “changed her life.” she whipped out Tuesdays with Morrie.
later on in the week, i grabbed the book and threw it in my bag to start reading during any free time. if you dont know already, the book is about morrie, an old man, who gets very sick, and his student mitch who writes the book about the things morrie teaches him during tuesday visits in the last day’s of morrie’s life.
i finished it last night. good story. quick read. but i think i got a very different message from it than veronica.
you see, i think she sees it as something that she will someday, sooner than later, have to deal with. i can see how reading this book would change her life and how she would see it as a way to focus on the time she has left with him.
for me, the book was little more than just a quick story. personally, i dont need a book to tell me to live life the the fullest and focus on the important things in life before it’s too late. i have done a lot. seen a lot. apologized a lot. traveled a lot. helped a lot. learned a lot. given a lot. taken a lot. loved a lot. shared a lot. expereinced a lot. listened a lot. read a lot. talked a lot. laughed a lot. cried a lot. dreamed a lot. written a lot. forgiven a lot. and played a lot.
whats better though is that there is so much more to come. so much more of life. more family….more friends…more learning….and a lot more experiences.
“’So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.’” - Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom
i came home on friday and realized that some time throughout the day, the power had gone out. i noticed my sister’s fish tank stood very quiet. the bubbling thing had stopped. i went over and fiddled with it. pushed and turned and pulled what i could, but to no avail. the little guys were swimming fine and seemed like all was good. i was tempted to call my sister’s ex-boyfriend who got my sister into all these animals, but failed to take any of them when they broke up. then i remembered that i had deleted his phone number from my cell during class 2 weeks ago. ugh.
when i saw my sister on saturday, i told her, “the bubbling thing for the tank isnt working.”
jenna: “you can just let them die.”
me: “no. i feed them and i fill their tank with water. i just want to know how to fix the bubbling thing.”
jenna (as she shruggs): “i dont know. i dont think it matters.”
me: “wont they die without the air?”
jenna: “no. the tank will just get really dirty.”
me: “oh. ok. well then thats fine. i just dont want them to die.”
when i finally got home yesterday evening, i went to feed the dog…then on to feed the fish. the floating fish. yes. the dead hard big floating fish. gross. though my mind was going through all the wondrous things i could do with their carcasses, for instance mailing them to my sister, i got the fish net, pulled them out and turned the net over to drop them in the toilet. plunk. plunk. two at a time. but the first two were pretty big. and i wasnt sure if they would actually flush. the last thing i want is broken up fish pieces floating in the toilet i sometimes pee in. so i got the net and fished them out of the toilet and walked them out to the trash can. then i went back for a smaller one and he got the toilet and a flush all to himself. now, there is a sucker catfish looking thing left in there that i cant catch. and i dont know yet if he needs the bubbly thing to survive or if a dirty fish tank with no other inhabitants is his idea of paradise. we’ll see.
remember when the bunny (see post from August 11, 2005)…..i mean bunnIES (see post from January 13, 2006) died and i was responsible for discarding the remains? well, i thought the ‘animal death’ train had left my station.
apparently i was wrong.
